Can anyone explain why a bad exorcism movie stings more than your average horror stinker? Speed Demon It sounded right up my alley—Speed on rails from hell? I made a career sifting through stupid titles like Ouijageiste, Bikini Bloodbath: Christmas, Bring it on: cheer or die in the hopes that some crazy name might live up to the lofty expectations promised by B-movies, so I know how rarely that happens. Jon Keeyes’ transportation exorcism film is, sadly, just another tragic example of catchy marketing amounting to boring genre nonsense and missing the point: high speeds, low energy, horrible results.
Katie Cassidy plays Sister Lu, an alcoholic, coke-snorting nun who fights against the Church’s patriarchal norms. William H. Macy is Father Novak, Sister Lu’s disappointed guardian who just wants to see her stop committing sins fueled by addiction and grief (Dad committed suicide). Together, they travel by train from Montreal to New York, then take a flight to Rome. Um, or at least that was the plan until a passenger accidentally became possessed by Asmodeus, commonly known as the King of Demons. Through a series of events, it is time for Sister Lu to finally step up, shed her bad habits, and prove to the Vatican that women too can defeat ungodly evils.
On paper, all this reigns. In practice… yeah by bike.
You’ll get a sense of the low-budget film’s inadequacies early on, when the North Ameristar leaves an all-digital station that seems as unnatural as one might expect. Don’t expect a production that can afford multiple locations! Nor can it digitally navigate its way through exterior shots, kamikaze crows, and a host of other environmental touches, all done in post-production. The only real settings seem to be the interior of the speeding train, spacious designed like an IKEA showroom, without a touch of cramped authenticity.
It’s an off-putting introduction to a demonic story that has no juice. Writer Domenico Salvaggio takes aim at organized religion, particularly Catholic guilt, but the story is devoid of high stakes or anything revolutionary for the exorcism subgenre. A guy jokingly called “Indian Jones” gets possessed – apparently framed by his indeterminate girlfriend, for some reason – and Sister Lu must defeat Asmodeus to save a handful of uninspiring customers. There’s Heart Condition Boyfriend, who continues to volunteer for arduous tasks; an adorable child who you don’t want to die; the sassy businessman; yeah, yeah. It’s all so boilerplate, and it’s not like the chug-a-lugging setting adds anything other than a ticking clock mechanism, since Asmodeus kills the driver and smashes the computer console.
Keeyes fails to find the film’s weak pulse, with actors meandering through scenes devoid of notable pop. I’ve seen Cassidy do wonderful work in the Arrowverse, and yet here she’s practically reading a cue card for the first time. “Speed Demon” is the hook, but there’s no rhythm to the beat, nor does the demon present itself beyond poor cosmetic painting to denote possessed individuals. It’s as if Keeyes is stuck in neutral, unable to propel his tin can on wheels forward no matter how hard he tries. Scenes continue to be hampered by shoddy effects or flat dialogue readings, not to mention a darkness that clouds everything with a dark layer of bleh.
This goes for shock and awe Snakes on a plane responds to the intensity of Train to Busanwhich is an insult to both comparisons. The horrors that attempt to exist are bargain basement fare, reminiscent of the ho-hum nature of a camera-shy demon. Salvaggio wants Speed Demon to make sense, tying Asmodeus to Sister Lu’s past for a few extra revenge points, but all the thrills must be gone by the last stop. Keeyes just doesn’t have an eye for penetrating scares, especially with so few surprises along the way. The themes of martyrdom, or psychological trickery attempted by Asmodeus, are child’s play compared to more crazy titles. It can’t even compete with the horrors of being stuck in a worn out economy car.
Speed Demon is the little engine that can’t produce anything worth getting excited about. It’s a job and a half; Ninety minutes spent wondering how much it cost to catch William H. Macy for a few minutes. I wish there was more budget to allow for filming on location or to give us terrible practical effects. The only race against time here is how quickly you’ll fight sleep, defying the adage that it’s impossible to look away from a train wreck.
Movie rating: 1.5/5
